You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story
Annabelle Gurwitch, Jeff Kahn
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
In this hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, comedians and real-life married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn prove that in marriage, all you need is love—and a healthy dose of complaining, codependence, and pinot noir.
After thirteen years of being married, Annabelle and Jeff have found “We’re just not that into us.” Instead of giving up, they’ve held their relationship together by ignoring conventional wisdom and fostering a lack of intimacy, by using parenting as a competitive sport, and by dropping out of couples therapy. The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. Annabelle and Jeff’s unforgivingly raw, uproariously funny story is sure to strike both laughter and terror in the hearts of all couples (not to mention every single man or woman who is contemplating the connubial state).
Serving up equal parts sincerity and cynicism, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up is a laugh-out-loud must-read for everyone who has come to realize that being “in love” can only get you so far.
He says: “Within days of Annabelle’s arrival, I became very aware that she demanded solitude and had the housekeeping habits of a feral animal.”
She says: “The guy had some sort of nudity radar. When I would take my clothes off for even a second, Jeff would be in front of me cheering as if he’d scored box seats at Fenway Park.”
He says: “I want to have sex every day, but Annabelle only wants to do it once a week. So we compromise: we have sex once a week.”
She says: “Jeff says talking about money before you have sex is a turnoff, but it’s only a turnoff if you’re talking about not having money. Talking about money before you have sex when you have money is actually a turn-on.”
He says: “For God’s sake, all I wanted to do was have sex without a condom for a little while; now we were moments from bringing a new life into the world!”
She says: “My ass was expanding so fast it was like a Starbucks franchise. On every corner of my ass there was a new branch of ass opening up.”
From the Hardcover edition.
drank Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle in a futile effort to quash my shockingly bad and equally annoying fear of flying. The only thing that interrupted Annabelle’s constant stream of tears, nose blowing, and low-pitched wailing was my inebriated inquiries to the increasingly irritated flight attendants: “Did you hear that? What was that noise? That doesn’t sound right, does it?” We made it to Delaware, alive, exhausted, and with me still slightly drunk, to join Annabelle’s family for two
that it can withstand almost anything. Because what having a child does to your sex life is not unlike what happens when a majestic eagle is hit with a surface-to-air heat-seeking missile. No longer is there spontaneous, stepping-out-of-the-shower-I-have-to-have-you-on-the-bathroom-floor. “What if he walks in and sees us?” No more do-it-with-the-sunrise-I-have-to-piss-hard-on-warm-and-cozy-from-spooning sex, because our kid is right there in bed with us every morning—sleeping in the middle,
Jeff’s team all suited up at this young age. The only problem was that at seven years old, not all of them had developed the long attention span required for baseball. I don’t always have the attention span required for the game. As an employee of Ted Turner’s, I was once given the honor of being the captain of the Atlanta Braves for a day. After I jokingly suggested that the team play only five innings because I found nine to be a tad repetitive, I think I escaped bodily harm only because
even think about it. I’m fine right here in the present, thank you. This approach, however, does not stop her from persisting in pressuring me to make plans for our future finances and questioning what we will do and who we will be as a married couple. “If anything is certain, it is that change is certain. The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.” So says Philip Crosby, a man I never heard of until I was looking for good quotes that agree with me about the future.
Me group. The moms can’t get over how well Ezra is doing—one cried when she saw him. Being a kid, Ezra doesn’t remember any of them, and just shrugs it off. Amazingly, we’ve just been given yet another stunning diagnosis for Ezra’s kidney. During that $22,000 staycation, Ezra had one of those new high-resolution MRIs. Purely by chance, they caught a glimpse of his kidney. His nephrologist says she can see the kidney better and it may not be dysplastic after all. We’ve taken him off his daily