Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
Henry Cloud, John Townsend
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Too many of us have invested ourselves into relationships that left us deeply wounded. We've been abandoned or taken advantage of, and left with little to show for what we've given. We've lost our sense of security and personal value in the process. And what's worse, we tend to either repeat the same mistakes of judgment over and over . . . Or else lock the doors of our hearts entirely and throw away the key. Why do we choose the wrong people to get involved with? Is it possible to change? And if so, where does one begin? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend offer solid guidance for making safe choices in relationships, from friendships to romance. They help identify the nurturing people we all need in our lives, as well as ones we need to learn to avoid. Safe People will help you to recognize 20 traits of relationally untrustworthy people. Discover what makes some people relationally safe, and how to avoid unhealthy entanglements. You'll learn about things within yourself that jeopardize your relational security. And you'll find out what to do and what not to do to develop a balanced, healthy approach to relationships.
addictions, depression, emptiness, excessive caretaking, fear of being treated like an object, fears of closeness, feelings of guilt, feelings of unreality, idealism, lack of joy, loss of meaning, negative bonds, outbursts of anger, panic, shallow relationships, or thought problems such as confusion, distorted thinking, and irrational fears. I (John) remember being confronted in a growth group at seminary by my peers. They told me something like, “Thanks for supporting us. But we know nothing of
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understand the condemnation of the Law. I feel utterly unloved and alone, knowing my badness cuts me off. At this point the perfectionist begins to develop a grandiose view of his failures, and a minimal view of God’s love. He thinks, at some levels, No one could love the real me. It is too negative, too ugly, too bad. And he isolates, protecting himself from his deep conviction that anyone who saw the “real” him would turn and walk away from him. Second, perfectionism disqualifies others from
familiar to many of us, may look like devaluation. It may look like being unable to need. But it isn’t. It was a classic case of “merger-wish-induced” isolation. Here’s what was going through Vicky’s mind as she struggled with calling her boyfriend: I want the connection with Rick to be wonderful. I want us to have no conflicts or misunderstandings. I want him to understand me, and me him, totally. I want Rick to comfort me and help me feel better. But along with those longings, Vicky also had
treat Parkinson’s, helped these patients regain muscle control. They began moving about and talking. Their sense of wonder at being able to be involved in their world was profound. Then, tragically, the effects of the L-dopa began to wear off. The treatment, Sacks found, was only temporary. And the reborn again became the unborn. Slowly, they returned to the living tombs inside their bodies. In 1972, Sacks wrote a book about his discoveries which is now a medical classic, titled Awakenings.