My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires
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Maria von Trapp is sweet, innocent, and can sing like an a ngel. Oh, and she's also a bloodthirsty vampire.
When Maria is kicked out of the zombie-infested Abbey where she's been residing for the past 612 years, she's forced to take care of the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline...or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and marries the von Trapp patriarch, the family seems destined for eternal (really, really eternal) bliss. But the Nazi Undeath Squads are on the march, intent on ridding Europe of bloodsuckers. And Maria will have to do everything in her power -- supernatural or otherwise -- to save her vampire brood.
you. So I say bring on the eager young cads! Bring on the roués and the cads! I’m canny, and I’m wise … and I know how to make you feel good. Really, really good.” She peeked at his crotch to see if she had gotten through to him. Nothing. He fixed her with an impassive stare, then whispered, “When did you become a Vampire, Liesl?” Liesl made a split-second decision: She would play dumb. “Whaaaat? A Vampire? Me? That’s crazy talk, Rolfe. I mean, gosh, I barely even know what a Vampire is. As a
cars. Drink-wise, he was neither discerning nor brand-loyal, simply content to guzzle gin of every size, shape, and strength, be it Steinhager, or Bruichladdich, or Fleischmann’s, or Sipsmith’s. When his liquor cabinet was empty, the cloudy-looking slop that his neighbor Klaus Hass made down in his basement was sufficient. If there was no gin, lager sufficed. Automobiles were a different story. Cars, he was choosy about. Only the best of the best would do for the Captain, and his fleet was the
gestures, Maria admitted to herself, but she started it. And sure, she had had that nice moment with the Captain down by the lake after the Ländler, but there had been no kissing or fondling involved, so that shouldn’t have upset the Baroness. Maybe she’s simply insecure, Maria thought. But why on Earth would a Succubus be insecure about keeping a gentleman pleased? Pleasing gentlemen is theoretically their expertise. It was all very confusing … and exhausting. Maria opened her bedroom window,
magicians, beware: The von Trapp family Vampires are coming to get you! Now, in the car, brats.” All the kids, save for Liesl, piled into Max’s brown jalopy. Right as Liesl was about to step through the door, a tall blond man in a brown S.S. uniform tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Good afternoon, Miss Liesl von Trapp, Vampire.” Liesl turned around. “Good afternoon, Rolfe Mueller, Private in the Nazi Undeath Squad.” Louisa poked her head out the window. “What’s the Nazi Undeath Squad?”
Maria ignored him. “It’s my responsibility to show them I’m worthy.” “Worthy of what?” John Coltrane asked. “Worthy of their respect.” “Maria, you have murdered 19,216,145 people…” “19,216,146,” she corrected. “Right, 19,216,146. No mortal will respect you, and justifiably so. You don’t deserve respect. Just fear. And, some would say, a stake in the heart…” “That stake in the heart business is a laughable myth.” “Fine. Then a stake in your lady-parts.” Maria said, “Leave my lady-parts out